Saturday, May 5, 2018

Pobody's Nerfect ★ My Shittiest Stories... Ever (1)

Pobody's nerfect... I mean, nobody's perfect...

Throughout my writing journey, I've written some really shitty shit. Wanna know how you can tell if your story is crappy?

  1. It took you ten minutes to write and you hated it the whole time.
  2. When you're done, you write yourself comments like 'burn this' or 'use for torture'.
  3. Even your dog (or) mother hates it, any they're your biggest fan (s).
  4. Your critique partner loses their lunch when they read it.
  5. It makes no sense...

That being said, here is the first of a handful of my shittiest stories...

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Frame Crawl ⋆ Flash Fiction

It's a sight to behold. Passengers screaming, hands waving high with delight; big breasted bimbos bouncing around in bikinis and cut off shorts, their keys 'carabinered' to their belt loops. Glints from sunglasses flashing in the light.

Flip-flops, sunscreen, enough cotton candy and popcorn to make you sick from just the smell alone.
Fuck this place.

“You see it?” A phantom voice asks me from my left ear.
“No. Fast forward two minutes.” I reply.

People scuttle past, sped up. Zooming over ups and downs on the coaster's rails at lightning speed. Funnel cakes disappear in seconds. Lines for rides speed up to a steady, slow walk. Then I see the light flair against the barrel of a gun. 

“Pause.” I growl, making a run for the weapon.
Everything freezes. Popcorn halfway to the ground stays put mid-drop. People's faces freeze in laughter, children's tears stop mid-tantrum. Change jettisoned from passenger’s pockets floats in the air, unmoving on its way to the grass below the rides. And all is silent.

“Whadaya see?”
“Identify. I'll call it in.”
“Headed for them now.”

Three feet. Two. One more and I'm on it. I weave around unmovable fair patrons. Ducking under an arm here, and a balloon there. Squeezing between children and their parents. Disturbing nothing, absorbing everything. 

“Joss,” I glance around, puzzled. “Inch forward by a tenth of a frame.” I pull my own weapon out of it's holster and check the sun's position in the sky. As I wait for life around me to move again, I pontificate on what direction the sun might reflect itself off of a metal barrel.

People begin to move again in slow motion. As if they were the subjects of a series of three dimensional photos and I was smack dab in the middle of it all. 

That was the worst mode: “frame crawling” they called it. Not for beginners, not for the faint of heart. Not really for me either, but that's what I get paid the big bucks for; not throwing up halfway through a bust.

I see the flash and head for it. 

“Pause again.” I bark at Joss. I hear him grunt and my surroundings freeze. Rather than jog towards my target, I walk at a comfortable pace. 

A young kid holds a 22 caliber pistol under a long, dark green trench coat, a startled look plastered on his face. 
“Got him.” 
I shove my weapon back in its holster and take out my scanner instead. I power it on. It whirs to life, blue lines sluice over the kid’s dead but nervous eyes. The scanner clicks, sending Joss the identity he needs.
“Get it?” I asked Joss.
“Yup.” He chuckled in my ear. “Okie dokie. We're done for the day.”
Life goes back to normal speed. The kid jumps back when he sees me standing in front of him. I wasn't there before, so how could I be here now? Towering over him, getting into his personal space, coming from nowhere? I already know the kid has a million questions. None of them will ever get answered.

He tries to be cool. To not to reveal his weapon. He knows if someone sees it, he's done. Then, seconds pass and he realizes it's too late. 
I watch his eyes go blank. He drops to his knees.
His gun clatters to the concrete. People gasp and move back. Some stop to look, but most mind their own business. 

When I blink again, the kid and the gun are gone, and all is right with the world again. 
For now.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

"An Other Place" by Darren Dash

This book was the epitome of exquisite weirdness. I loved it, and hoovered it down in less than a day. 

Excellent! Excellent! Excellent!

The story was about a guy named Newman Riplan. He was an awesome fellow. Funny, witty, very full of himself. Newman likes to party and he doesn’t have any qualms about letting loose with his boys. He likes hookers, coke and weed, (God love him), and he’s not ashamed to say so.

He trusts his friends so much in fact, that he’s willing to let them send him off on a mystery vacation. They usher him off on a plane, destination unknown. I won't give away how Newman finds himself in the ‘other place’, I will just let you know that it's pretty cool.

Once there, of course Newman tries to leave. When he is unable, he resigns himself to trying to understand how this new ‘other place’ works.

This book was full of weird and bizarre imagery. The main character did exactly what any normal person in his situation would do. I rooted for Newman and loved every minute of his stream-of-conscious type prose. It is told in the first-person and in present tense which at first I thought was a little off-putting, but by the time I’d passed page 5, I was hooked. I wasn't thinking about POV or tenses anymore. Truth be told, once this book hooked me, the words breezed by in a blur and all I saw was a ‘movie’ playing in my head. And boy was it a good movie!

This is one of those books where when life pulls you away from it, all you do is ponder on what's going to happen next. One of those rare books that you remember years after reading the last line. I will probably never forget this book. I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys strange and bizarre tales. I wouldn't exactly call it horror, but then again what happens in it is definitely horrifying if your Newman Riplan. 

Bravo, Dash, you changed my world with this one.

Try Kindle Unlimited and get access to books like this one for a small monthly payment. You never know which book might just change your life. = )

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Staying Organized While Hopping Dimensions

Recently, I've been working on the origin story for my favorite character, Thierry Adler. Thierry is a Warlock who has the ability to 'pulse' to different dimensions. Thierry also has a myriad of different characteristics (that I’ve found difficult to keep track of overtime).
Stories happen, and through the course of several short stories about Thierry, his personality has changed. He's grown, become more snarky, learned new things and experienced losses.
So, writing his origin story is/was particularly difficult for me. I'd been working with, and focusing on a man who’d learned a lot about the shadowy, magic filled world he lives in. What kind of monsters exist, what kind of spells he can use to combat his enemies, what monsters hate other monsters, etc. His world is full of dangers and mystery, (and that's just his home dimension). He was beginning to find out what was really going on. Discovering the true scheme of things, if you will-- and something horrible happened--

Friday, March 23, 2018



Have you ever had a knot in your hair when you woke up? 
Not ‘tangled hair’. A real, honest to god knot.
One morning, I woke up with several of them tied deliberately into my hair.
I sleep alone. In a locked room with my dog.
I never forget to lock my bedroom door. Ever.
I hardly think my dog is tying knots in my hair while I’m asleep.
Dewclaws tend to make it hard for animals to do things like that.
It had to be done by something else.
Had I been sleepwalking, or sleep tying knots in my hair?
It didn’t seem likely, but I was willing to set up the camera at the foot of my bed the next night to find out. 

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Writer. Author. Blogger. Procrastinator... My novel, Trigram, is in the works, but in the meantime, I'll probably be working on short stories such as the ones on Wicked Shorts. (Wink)

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